A Tribute to Little Miss Perfect

WEtv's Little Miss Perfect has proved to be one of my favorite shows on TV right now (right behind RuPaul's Drag Race), so in the spirit of pitting children against one another to see who's the most attractive, I've devised a celeb baby beauty pageant.

The following are the nominees (as determined by outlets like Life&Style and Us) for the cutest celeb baby:

Suri Cruise

Violet Grohl

Violet Affleck

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

Ms. Kidman, Is There Something You'd Like to Tell Us?

Ol' Aussie Girl looks preggers or really full all the time. Just sayin'.

Everyone's Fave Lezzie Couple Wants a Kid

Portia and Ellen told Star that they want a baby. Someone should tell them that Octomom gots the babies to go around. Ellen could hire Chuy from Chelsea Lately to dress up like a leprechaun and lure one of those babies away with a Barney video and a clean carseat. How long do you think it would take for Nadya Suleman to notice one of her 14 is missing?

Anywhoodle, a source sez Portia would be willing to try IVF as many times as necessary to get a bundle of joy. She could just go to Octomom's doctor and knock out a baker's dozen in a few months. Then Ellen could get the cast of the L Word to watch all of them -- I bet Shane would give them all edgy haircuts. They'd be the baddest babies on the block.

Watch out!

Having a Crazy Moment

What. The. Eff. Nadya Suleman, can we chat?

You think you'll be able to support your 14 babies after you finish your "schooling." Assuming that you'll be able to go back to school in the fall, as you plan to do, and finish your master's degree, which would be difficult for ANY mom with multiple kids and no dad, you think a master's in counseling will get you a job that pays enough to feed, clothe and shelter 15 mouths? Oh, and I thougtht this was funny -- the school you're supposedly going to attend has a day-care center.

Imagine you're anyone but Nadya Suleman -- and you want to take your kid (maybe even two -- hey, it happens) to that same day care. When you get there, 14 kids from a single mom are already hogging all the day care space. Frankly, I'd be pissed. And this is a lady who keeps talking about how selfish she isn't.

Lady, I got news for you! You are selfish, and crazy to boot. Just ask your mom, who is stuck with all those kids, and your dad, who had to go to work as a contractor in Iraq to support your retarded decisions. Way to go!

And by the way, since when did an unselfish person who just gave birth a thousand times go get lip injections for her interview on the Today show?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Nadya Suleman, I don't know you, but if I met you, I might want to punch you in your fat, surgically enhanced mouth.

Chinese Milk Does NOT Do a Body Good, Especially If You're the One Selling It / Carry Mace If You Go to Virginia Tech

A couple of Chinese dairy execs have been sentenced to DEATH as the result of a food safety scandal that left at least six children dead.

Dairy execs spiked their milk with the chemical melamine to make the protein count appear higher, but it caused kidney stones in children.

Also, some think that the scandal was covered up until after the Beijing Olympics were over.

Gosh, China! There's so much craziness here, I don't know where to start -- the milk-spiking, scandal-hiding, babies-with-kidney-stones, executive-killing madness has paralyzed me.

In other news, a Chinese PhD student DECAPITATED another Chinese student at an Au Bon Pain at Virginia Tech Wednesday.

You might remember that Virginia Tech is also where a Korean student shot 32 of his classmates and teachers before killing himself in April 2007.

Note to self: Don't take classes at Virginia Tech or anger any of the Asians who are enrolled there.

In Case You Were Wondering ...

Creed may be reuniting, a certain someone on a certain popular episodic still breastfeeds her two-year-old son, Andre Leon Talley doesn't like being interviewed -- in fact, he'll sneak quietly past the red carpet all together -- and I still don't know exactly where I'm living come January 1. Somewhere in America, I can be sure of that much.

Suggestions?

Fall Fashion Must-Have Accessory of the Moment

Life & Style Weekly, the end-all for news and must-know info for the fly-over states, has baby-worship syndrome -- and I mean BAD. On the cover this week:

Suri Cruise, "world's youngest fashionista"

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, "globe trotting" tot

Matilda Ledger, still sad and lonely

Violet Affleck, snaggle-toothed and entitled

and Stella McDermott, Tori Spelling's spawn

But L&S is just indicative of the fever that everyone is getting ... and when did it start? When Angelina adopted Maddox? When Julia Roberts had twins at age 80? When baby carriages got more aerodynamic?

Making it worse (or just highlighting how loopy some celebs are) are these ridiculous baby names. I get that some celebs are actually artists in some way, but really -- Kingston? Cruz? Rumer? Apple? Coco? Shihloh?

We get it: You're famous and painfully creative. You like to think of things like "Phineas" when you gotta name your kid. "James" or "Angela" just won't cut it.

Also, for the record, Miley Cyrus's real first name is Destiny. Who names their kid that? Strippers? Washed-up country music singers? Gawd.

So here's my Fall Fashion Accessory of the Moment: A Baby.

That's right. Go run out and get yourself one at the nearest third-world country if you can't sacrifice your figure to have one of your own. You get to make up a new room for them and -- get this -- you can accessorize them. You can accessorize your accessory. That's fashion squared.

It's also retarded. Newborns aren't cute, and I'd rather not see pictures of a puffed-up, Restaylene-injected, surgically structured Tori Spelling holding an ugly lump of baby. I don't care what color its socks are or if its mostly concealed by expensive lace and ruffles or if Tori just had her roots bleached to look good holding it -- its still too young to be anything but ugly. There. I said it.