Fall Fashion Must-Have Accessory of the Moment

Life & Style Weekly, the end-all for news and must-know info for the fly-over states, has baby-worship syndrome -- and I mean BAD. On the cover this week:

Suri Cruise, "world's youngest fashionista"

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, "globe trotting" tot

Matilda Ledger, still sad and lonely

Violet Affleck, snaggle-toothed and entitled

and Stella McDermott, Tori Spelling's spawn

But L&S is just indicative of the fever that everyone is getting ... and when did it start? When Angelina adopted Maddox? When Julia Roberts had twins at age 80? When baby carriages got more aerodynamic?

Making it worse (or just highlighting how loopy some celebs are) are these ridiculous baby names. I get that some celebs are actually artists in some way, but really -- Kingston? Cruz? Rumer? Apple? Coco? Shihloh?

We get it: You're famous and painfully creative. You like to think of things like "Phineas" when you gotta name your kid. "James" or "Angela" just won't cut it.

Also, for the record, Miley Cyrus's real first name is Destiny. Who names their kid that? Strippers? Washed-up country music singers? Gawd.

So here's my Fall Fashion Accessory of the Moment: A Baby.

That's right. Go run out and get yourself one at the nearest third-world country if you can't sacrifice your figure to have one of your own. You get to make up a new room for them and -- get this -- you can accessorize them. You can accessorize your accessory. That's fashion squared.

It's also retarded. Newborns aren't cute, and I'd rather not see pictures of a puffed-up, Restaylene-injected, surgically structured Tori Spelling holding an ugly lump of baby. I don't care what color its socks are or if its mostly concealed by expensive lace and ruffles or if Tori just had her roots bleached to look good holding it -- its still too young to be anything but ugly. There. I said it.