I just got to Virginia. I have to meet my supervisor in the lobby at 8:45 am. I forgot that I don't have the same name here, and the hotel receptionist couldn't find my reservation at first.

Richard is a guy who lives in New York. He was drinking with a group of friends when he called.

"One's a running club that drinks, the other is a drinking club that runs."

He's on track to run 1,000 miles this year by the end of this month, and it's only August.

"What are you writing tomorrow?"
"A story about anti-trust in baseball. I have to go to court -- go there, write it. Poof, poof. Bang it out."

I'm feeling down. Richard will always talk suicide with me.

"I feel like everything is dumb. I've already reached the pinnacle of my life and I should just throw in the towel."
"And die?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, there's no good methods, though. There's no surefire way. You need someone else to kill you, which is it's own kind of crime. Also, good luck finding one."

I complain that men tell me that "You'll be fine, you're so beautiful, you can just marry a rich guy."
He says that makes women crazy -- marriage.

"They crack up from the sheer banality of it all." -Richard, on women who achieve the marriage goal, and their subsequent crack up.

I tell him that my life was ruined when a reporter exposed me as a stripper/reporter. He says I should kill him. I let him know that the reporter got cancer later that year.

"Well if that's not a sign that god's on your side, I don't know what is!" (On that reporter getting cancer after he exposed me.) "I went to mass every day praying you'd get cancer and lo and behold."He thinks this is hilarious. He thinks I should call him and make fun of him for getting cancer.

I don't make fun of people with terminal illnesses.

"OH fuck THem! WE're all going to deal with terminal illness! That's the best time to make fun of somebody."

"I'm not trying to say his immortal soul is damned, I'm just saying his corporeal existence is ruined."

The point is there's no winning.

Richard has tips for writing, and he shares them with me, since we're both writers:

Rule #1 about write club: We never write for free.
Rule 2 about write club: WE NEVER WRITE FOR FREE.

He tries to find the saddest songs on his phone, and he sends them to me. We talk about the most comfortable way to commit suicide. He says women always fuck it up and wind up brain damaged.

It's late. I'm going to sleep.

Hey, I Still Have a Blog Here ...

Hmm. Maybe I'll start using it again?

I'm going to the polo match today at the Houston Polo Club (HPC) with one of my lover-liest girl friends, an architect who will build you a killer LEED-certified house, if you are so inclined.

I wrote about the HPC for the Houston Chronicle, so if you're looking to read something I wrote, you can go here.

Lilo Lice Watch Update

Here's our grrrl Linds once again, with an incurable case of itchy head. Could it be all those thoughts percolating under that mop top?

Methinks not.

Lindsay has Lice

It's just a suspicion -- but consider the evidence.

1. Dlisted via Holy Moly! via Blind Gossip reported THIS blind item:

Which stateside shambles of a celebrity brought more than a suitcase with them on their recent trip to London. The woman was found to have nits in her eyebrows by a make up artist on a shoot. GROO!

2. Lindsay recently in Paris to discuss becoming a creative consultant for House of Emanuel Ungaro. (She also was there allegedly stalking her ex, Samantha Ronson, who was in London.) So she was there. And you know that girl got some eyebrows on, (unlike, say, Whoopi Goldberg, who, incidentally, was also in London checking out the made-for-stage version of Sister Habit and is eyebrow-anemic).

3. Lindsay is dirrrrty.

4. This picture, from AXE Lounge in the Hamptons last week:

The video of her arrival actually shows her scratching her head here (vigorously up-down, up-down), so it's not like she's doing a "Oh, I'm the confused party girl" thing. She's doing the "Oh, I have head lice" thing. 

Poor dear. I hope her fire crotch stays clear or this little parasitic problem. 

BTW: Can you believe there's a headlice.org Web site?? It has a kids' section that includes an animated louse dancing to the lice version of "Puttin' on the Ritz" -- it's called "Pickin' Out the Nits."

Son of B*tch Banking In English ... Put Some Long Pants On!

This video comes via Sarah Silverman, who only mentioned when pressured to do so on the red carpet, and Rebecca Schoenkopf, a lovely woman who lives in a pretty house on a street where it smells like an herb garden took a dump. Thank you. 

Buy Your Car Insurance From this Lady

The Geico Caveman has gone tranny, and this is the result:

Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that TRH usually is about a city (Orange County, Atlanta, New York City), but when it comes to New Jersey, they had to use the whole state. The producers realized that they had a bevy of high-maintenance, narcissistic, self-important females across the entire state who do TV-worthy bullshit like get their hair curled and tell each other how beautiful they are. New Jersey, I salute you and your hoards of high-priced hookers.

She's a Political Cat

I was fortunate enough to be invited to a Writers' Guild workshop on new media. They told us how to iMovie, which I proudly used to make a short film, starring Itchy. If you listen closely, she does issue a response to my question.

Technical School's Not Looking So Bad Anymore

Here, one of NYU's journalism grad students enjoys the spoils of his labor from working full-time at a "competitively" compensated position he landed several years after graduation.

I was one of Tim Harper's reporting classes my second semester at NYU, and a girl and her mother came in to observe the class. The girl was trying to decide on whether she should come to the graduate journalism program at NYU or Boston University. I'm sure she was a very bright young lady with great potential, which is why -- when asked by the professor to talk to her about NYU -- I told her this: 

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GET A MASTER'S IN JOURNALISM. GET ANY OTHER GRADUATE DEGREE! I'VE RUINED MY FINANCES, CREDIT AND LIFE WITH THIS FUCKING GIG RIGHT HERE. RUN! RUN AWAY, AND NEVER LOOK BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE AN MBA, OR A J.D., OR SOMETHING LIKE IT."

I don't know if she took my advice. But if she didn't, she can line up for one of the jobs below. These are actual postings on ed2010, which is a journalism web site, ICYDK. 

Exhibit A:

xxxx Magazine is looking for celebrity writers for the site re-launch.

Candidates must have:
- Experience interviewing celebrities
- An INTENSE obsession with POP culture both nationally and
internationally.
- At least 1-3 yrs writing experience for a publication and/or blog.
- Experience with Wordpress

PLEASE NOTE: THE POSITION IS UNPAID.

Oh goody! After having THREE YEARS of writing experience, I might be able to get an UNPAID POSITION. 

Exhibit B:

Contributors wanted for forthcoming drinking guidebook called
xxxxx.

This is your chance to support your favorite local bar/lounge/coffee shop/teahouse/other type of drinkery (especially those small, family-owned businesses that appreciate the attention—they can’t afford an advertising budget) and let the world know why drinking and dining in LA is so great. Foodies of all occupations and day jobs are encouraged to apply.

...

* Please note that there is no pay for this gig. You will get a byline and bio in the book and on the site, free copies of the book (which is available in all major bookstores), and an invitation to our launch party, as well as opportunities for regular paying food writing gigs down the road.*

A byline and a bio? Free copies of the book? An invitation to your launch party? It's a good thing they offer all this great stuff, because when the landlord comes knocking, you can politely inform him that you've been generously compensated with free copies of a drinking guidebook (which includes your name and a short bio!), and you'll be happy to pay him this month's rent with THAT.  

Exhibit C:

xxxx.com is a new social lifestyle guide to the Hamptons. We’ll have you covered on nightlife, food & wine, events, style, and more. The site is in beta and planning a launch on Memorial Day Weekend. We are seeking an Online Director to manage and grow it for summer 2009.

Compensation: Summer room in beautiful Southampton home (value $10,000), senior title in growing online media business, fun editor perks

Start immediately to 9/15/09

Duties:
Help develop editorial voice of xxxx.com
Develop content contributor network
Blogging + message board seeding
Help produce video content/interactive features
Marketing & Promotion
Sponsorship Development & Outreach

Reqs:
2+ yrs of media/web/marketing experience
Passion for lifestyle writing, avid interest in the Hamptons
Familiarity with basic web tools such as HTML and/or CMS platforms
Marketing/sales experience a plus

Another job where they want years of experience (and passion! must always have passion!), but the comp is basically nil. I like this one, though, because they give you that illusion of compensation -- a room, which, apparently, is worth $10,000. How do you think they came up with that figure? And how do they expect you to pay for things like food, deodorant, toothpaste, etc? And what kind of room are we talking about here? Is it furnished with a Hastens bed and Baker furniture? Is it a blow-up mattress on the floor? Who lives in the house? A hoard of will-work-for-food interns on break from NYU? Is that what they mean by "fun editor perks"?

LOL Cat of the Month

I figure this is how Kelly Rowland feels about the whole Beyonce situation:

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I had to change it from LOL cat of the month since I have been lax at posting lately.

LMFAO Loves Peace, Puppies, and Butterflies

I interviewed LMFAO at USC's Derby Days for L.A. Record. The guys are just as entertaining in person as they are on the radio and in paper, so I thought I'd share this.

Canned Tuna, I Salute Thee

When you live in L.A., you have to be thinny and/or skinny (depending on the time of the month/year). When I need a big boost, I go on a regimen that goes sort of like this:
1. Hydroxycut with a big glass of water when I get hungry, to keep me from eating for a little bit longer then,
2. Eat
3. Aili, depending on the fat content of what I just ate -- if oatmeal, then no Aili; if bacon on the side of my oatmeal, Aili
4. Repeat for lunch
5. Dinner with a multi-vitamin

But when I get to where I want to be, which is usually something like a paltry 2-3 lbs later, I switch over to a tuna diet, and for good reason.

This is for my BFF, Bridget Blonde, who balks when I want to split a tuna sandwich. From AskMen.com, the highest authority on canned tuna fish:

"Since protein is such a vital component of any diet and is designed to help build muscle or lose body fat, finding some taste-bud friendly canned tuna meals will make reaching your protein goals that much easier.If you're often short in your daily protein intake, you simply will not get the results you’re looking for in the gym, so protein intake is something that absolutely must not be overlooked.

Canned tuna is often shunned by dieters because many people don't care for the taste. This is unfortunate, because not only is it cheap and incredibly fast to prepare, it’s also virtually carb- and fat-free, making it a solid source of protein for those who are either trying to strip off extra layers of body fat or build muscle mass.

If you know some simple cooking tricks, you can revitalize your canned tuna meals and you might just start to look forward to it as a mainstay in your diet. Here are 10 different ways you can whip up healthy canned tuna meals in less than 10 minutes."

If you want to know how to glamorize the king of canned fish, click here.

A Tribute to Little Miss Perfect

WEtv's Little Miss Perfect has proved to be one of my favorite shows on TV right now (right behind RuPaul's Drag Race), so in the spirit of pitting children against one another to see who's the most attractive, I've devised a celeb baby beauty pageant.

The following are the nominees (as determined by outlets like Life&Style and Us) for the cutest celeb baby:

Suri Cruise

Violet Grohl

Violet Affleck

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

What Do You Call This?

My friend (and former NYU classmate) Resalin wrote an article for the Dallas Examiner, and I'm not sure that I believe that the guy in question was trying to cheat on his wife. You can decide for yourself here.

I guess my bigger problem is that my friend seemed to think she'd be forfeiting control of the situation if she agreed to share a meal with this person. This didn't take place in a third-world country where society places a huge rift between the sexes such that women must bend to a man's every whim. Even if she is in Texas.

I don't know what this guy's intentions were, but hers should be able to trump his, which is why I don't understand why she was so aghast. Unless she shared with this man an uncontrollable, all-consuming urge to have sex with any man who eats at the same table where she does. Then I could understand her ire.

What do you think?

WTf Pic of the Day

Daniel Edwards, the man who brought you Brit giving birth on a bearskin rug and the "Paris Hilton Autopsy" has presented society with another gem that isn't a total piece of poop -- behold OctoArt:

At first I thought it was another one of those ridiculous lipstick carvings someone did of Brad and Angelina, only better.

What do you think? Look good over your fireplace, maybe? Or on the coffee table? How about next to the bed as a reminder to use birth control EVERY TIME? Or next to your check book as a reminder to pay your taxes so this lady can keep herself in French tips and half-million-dollar houses?

"Could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff, and it told him to get up to the tree and play a leprechaun."

Ah, the classic leprechaun-in-a-tree news clip. So many wonderful sound bytes. Which one is your favorite?


Happy Saint Patrick's Day.